


I Wouldn't Ask You

by lounhazel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Boyfriends, Boys In Love, Castiel and Dean Winchester in Love, Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Established Relationship, Grief/Mourning, Happy Ending, Human Castiel (Supernatural), Hunter Castiel (Supernatural), Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nice John Winchester, One Shot, Resurrection, Soulmates, character death but dont worry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-10
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-08-16 03:50:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20186311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lounhazel/pseuds/lounhazel
Summary: It had been raining for three days now. Cas appreciated it. The day the sky was sunny would feel like the day the world moved on. And Cas was not ready to move on.orWhere Dean dies at the hands of a demon and those around him are left to mourn. But fear not... The Winchesters are pretty terrible at dying.





	I Wouldn't Ask You

It had been raining for three days now. Cas appreciated it. The day the sky was sunny would feel like the day the world moved on. And Cas was not ready to move on. The thought made him confused, prompting a _How is there a life after him?_ Maybe time will tell, but what if it doesn’t?

  
Life was too strange to grasp. His guidance had left him, his body urging him on but his conscience telling him to stop, just stop. It had been only three days but he felt like he should be doing something, doing anything to get his mind off of things before it decided to crumble away. He probably should be doing something to distract himself but… Cas decides that perhaps this grief wont let him slip by, won’t let him call a rain check. He wishes it would, let him off easy this time, after everything shitty that had happened to him.

  
But… this was Dean. His grief demanded his attention, all of his attention, and in a twisted way, Cas could never say no to Dean. Even if it wasn’t him talking and rather just the idea of him. Whatever. It seemed now that everything was twisted, never to be right again.

  
_Grief too is a monster, so why can’t I kill it?_

  
He pulled himself from the bed he and Dean had just slept in, four nights ago. It felt strangely like leaving him, but then, so did every other task. Everything Cas brought himself to do felt like leaving Dean behind, and even in death, Cas would never do that.

  
He couldn’t even look at his own skin as the ink he had reminded him of Dean. From the tattoos they swore weren’t matching, to the ones Cas got before he even knew Dean, they all reminded him. He couldn’t try to move on even if he wanted to.

  
This motel was bland and sad.

  
The wallpaper was ripped with years of decay. The carpet was stained and dirty. The doors creaked with years of people leaving through them. Cas picked up on the defeated atmosphere of the room and wanted to cleanse it. Cas had never noticed it all before, but he saw it all now.

  
Most importantly though, Cas had never been a place lonelier than here.

  
But maybe the place was not to blame… Maybe Castiel as a human was just now lonelier than ever before…

  
It really was his own fault.

  
Sam had been avoiding Cas- or the other way around- but Cas couldn’t bring himself to blame him. Dean had been his _brother_. Sam had known him and trusted him their whole lives. Sometimes, Cas almost felt bad for grieving just as hard.

  
Almost.

  
Cas had lost the love of his life, the person who he would have died for over and over again. He lost the person who knew absolutely everything about him, the person who always knew what to say and what to do. He can’t _believe_ he lost the person who had been the best man Cas ever knew. _How is there a life after him? _

  
He trudged the few steps into the kitchenette, grabbing a pack of smokes off of the counter. The window was calling him, the lighter in his sweatpants urging his brain to give in.

  
Jupiter lay in the bed still and watched with innocent eyes Cas’ slow actions. He was their dog. His dog? No- he’ll always be both of theirs. Dean loved that animal more than he loved his car. Though you would have never caught him admitting that.

  
He walked to the window and tugged it open, sitting atop a windowsill for better leverage. The Impala was gone from the parking lot, he noticed. Sam must’ve driven off somewhere, probably to get more booze. Cas guessed they all had their different ways of grieving.

  
He could practically hear Deans voice in his head, telling him that he should stop smoking because he didn’t need a smoker voice on top of his already raspy one. _You know that could kill you? You do? And you’re still smoking. Wow,_ Dean might’ve said. The thought almost made him smile.

  
He decided not to light the cigarette in request of Deans imaginary scolding.  
He sat their for a few more moments, looking out onto a sad world that reflected Cas’ state of mind. The last 72 hours had invoked feelings Cas didn’t even know existed. Sure, he’d been on the other side of death before. But no one had been Dean.

  
He was still wrapping his mind around it, staying awake at night thinking about it and spending every second of the day dwelling on him. He had lost _everything_.

  
The parking lot was next to empty.

Maybe this place really was lonely after all.

  
The pavement was just about soaked through with rain, making it seem as though stepping on it would feel like the equivalent of stepping in mud.

Everything was glistening in the worst way possible, dark clouds making for a very dull contrast. The rain never bothered Cas before, it was just that he couldn’t decide whether he wanted it stop or keep going forever.

  
He sighed and turned his head to look back into the room. Nothing could be duller than the graphite wallpaper and the decade old television.

  
He hated being stuck in this room where Deans clothes were still lying on the end of the bed and his gun was waiting on the table for its rightful owner. Jupiter kept looking at him and recognized that Cas was sad and Dean wasn’t here. _Deans stuff is all here,_ Jupiter may have thought, _so where was Dean?_

  
Cas thought about the cigarette again, twirling it between slim fingers. He focused on it intently, studying the colors, the shape, thinking about the way it worked. He had been doing this often now, finding mundane objects and studying it with a distracting and deep insight. He figured his subconscious was distracting him from thinking too hard and between appreciating the gesture and despising it he has accepted the fact that his body is trying to move on. But he can’t do that yet. Doesn’t matter that it’s been three days and he doesn’t have to yet. A month, a year, a life will come and Cas will hurt with the same emotions as the moment he found out about…

  
Cas drops the cigarette.

  
He knows he has to leave. He knows John is waiting for them at his house. Cas is looking forward to seeing him. He missed John on this particularly lengthy hunt and although he isn't his father, that never stopped him from treating Cas like a son before.

  
He scoots off of the windowsill and looks down at his bags. Packing will be hard, because touching Dean’s things is too painful. Every item evokes a specific memory. He knows he doesn’t have a choice though, to leave Deans stuff lying around in some worthless motel full of strictly terrible memories would be one of the greatest slanders to Deans life.

  
He would find Sam so they could finally head out after this.

  
He calls Jupiter off the bed to lay with him as he sorts through their stuff. Comfort is not a want right now, it’s a need.

  
~

  
Cas had found Sam at some sleazy bar, crying to anyone that would listen about a dead brother and an unforgiving monster, a fight between heaven and hell and the fact that life has never been fair.  
They’d been driving for nearly a day. Cas drove until they got to Nebraska but was reminded of the time he and Dean pulled an all nighter, just sitting in the impala and looking at the stars, talking, enjoying life. The memory was too much, too soon. He moved to the back with Jupiter who strangely understood how Cas was feeling and laid on his lap until Cas fell asleep with the warmth.

  
He awoke to a stopped car several hours later. Sam was looking down at hands, fiddling with his fingers like he was nervous.

  
He looked out of the window. They were pulled over on some two lane highway, no cars coming or going and no shelter to be seen for stretches of land.  
Cas looked back to Sam whose back was leaned against his window, and leaned forward slightly, taking into account the large dog on his lap. His fingers curled over the top of the front seat as he spoke.

  
“Sam?” Cas asked with a voice that hadn’t spoken for days. Sam looked up at him with a saddened look of slight surprise, like he wasn't expecting Cas to be awake while he had his little moment.

  
“I can drive. If you want to sit back here with J,” Cas offered quietly. Sam just shook his head. Cas was silent for a moment.

  
He waited patiently for a response. He knew he could always trust Sam to tell him exactly how he was feeling. He also knew that this subject was raw and painful.

  
“Sorry…” Sam mumbles eventually, barely looking up in acknowledgement.

  
“Sorry,” he repeated. “I… I want to talk to you. I do. But it’s just so _hard_. Talking about him, I mean,” Sam spoke, finally, looking at Cas with pleading tears in his eyes.

  
Cas opened his mouth but tears filled his eyes as well. He sighed and looked down.  
“I know.” He was quiet; his voice couldn’t handle the emotions that he was feeling.

  
“I-I just want to talk to him. I want to have some closure. I never… We never…” He trailed off but Cas knew. They’d never thought some stupid monster would kill Dean. Maybe the devil or hell, even God himself. But a lousy demon with no remarkable trait, their biggest achievement the murder of a Winchester? They never… anticipated that.

  
It was so unexpected, so early. And Cas knew Dean always knew he would never last long but…

  
“I know. I-I… I feel like I can’t…” Cas said shaking his head, tears falling at the movement. “How the hell are we supposed to go on without him?”

  
_How am I supposed to live without him?_

  
Cas felt bad – Dean is his _brother_. Cas says as much.

  
Sam shook his head at that and closed his eyes for a moment.

  
“No… No Cas. You don’t need to say that, not to me. I know what your going through. When I lost Jess…” he shook his head. “Cas I _know_, this pain is different. It cuts you different. And I-I understand. I do.”

  
Cas silently cries and nods to that, even though he still feels really guilty.

  
“I keep thinking about how wrong this is, me driving the car and you sitting in the back by yourself. It feels wrong. Living life without him.”

  
Cas just nods his head hard with eyes shut as tears silently stream out of them because it’s just so true.

  
Jupiter licks his hand to remind Cas he’s there for him. Jupiter is almost a weird embodiment of Dean. Its comforting.

  
“I wanna go home,” Sam says, and Cas isn’t sure he’s ever seen him so vulnerable. It’s upsetting.

  
“We’ll be there soon.” Sam looks at him and nods.

~

  
The house sits deep in the forest upon their arrival. The trees are comforting to Cas. They always have been. He feels an earthly hug the moment he steps under the calm shadows of the forest.  
The house was decently sized and Cas knew that Jupiter loved it here, the land providing a very exciting play ground for him. The house was the epitome of comfort and familiarity. The kitchen was relatively nice and although there were only three bedrooms, it was perfect for the five of them. Dean used to tell Cas that if they ever lived somewhere, just the two of them, it would be here. Cas always looked forward to that thought but it made him feel like crying now.

  
Dean and Cas technically lived here, but with the never-ending road trip they seemed to be on, motels were more of a standard living situation.

  
Cas unloaded the few bags he had of personal belongings, most of the items being Deans. He took them to their room and set them down against the soft comforter of the bed. The blue walls hugged him as he took a breath, regaining composure from the bricks of nostalgia that hit him when walking in. _It only becomes nostalgia when what makes something a memory is gone. _

  
Trees stood still outside of the window as if they were nervously anticipating his next move. They glowed with evening light and while the sunny weather truly reflected this forest, it failed to encompass the hurt Castiel felt from the absence of a particular soul.

  
Cas wondered what Dean was doing right now. Probably fighting tooth and nail to whomever was listening to let him back down here. He never did rest easily.

  
Cas wondered what Deans heaven looked like.

  
Cas has heard that cases of true soulmates would share a heaven, and whilst Cas felt that he would want nothing more, would that be what they got? Would that be what he deserved?

  
The thought of truly never seeing Dean again, even if the afterlife, made him feel a foul emotion, one that ran deeper and cut worse than anything he’s ever felt.

  
Cas thinks his hell looks a little something like that.

  
He lied slowly back into the comforter of his bed with movements of disbelief and realization. In between his sadness and thoughts of foreboding nothingness he supposed he saw the irony of him lying on this comforter with only discomfort in his life.

  
It should be raining.

  
Or maybe it should be sunny?

  
Should the world be reflecting Cas’ greatest lost or Deans life as it was?  
Because Dean was warmth, he was the sun. He was beautiful with his words and breathtaking in his movements. He was the light of everyones life, he was a giver, he was a man with the best heart Cas had ever seen. He was a gorgeous fighter and a deep lover. When he loved, he threw his pride high into the air and let his emotions lead the way. He was open but also a puzzle, one that only a handful of people could understand and solve and help. Dean taught Cas how to learn and grow and love and soar. He taught Cas what it meant to love someone with enough might to fight heaven for that person, to do what was right even if it helped everyone but killed you. He was the epitome of selflessness, the definition of a hero, even though he was too humble to ever recognize that. He taught Cas to not only survive, but want to live.

  
Cas owes everything to him.

  
~

  
John arrived at the house with groceries a half hour after Sam and Cas arrive. Cas had finished the little unpacking he had and quickly went to bed. However, thoughts of what could have been and what was were circulating throughout his head and preventing him from any sleep. He actually appreciated John walking into his room and removing him from the self inflicted psychological torture.

  
He hadn’t seen John since before Dean died. His face seemed to be permanently saddened with the loss of a child and he looked five years older with the no doubt stress and sadness of his new life. Cas sat up upon seeing the man and tentatively waited for what John came in here for.

  
He opted to close the door and sit down on his bed. Cas fiddled with the covers and watched John as he looked around the room. A small smile graced his face.

  
“You know, Dean always said he got the best night sleeps here. Been saying that since he was seven.”

  
Cas looked at him for a moment before realizing he should probably respond.  
“Yeah?” He prodded quietly, still looking down at his distracted hands. John nodded his head softly in response.

  
“Yeah. And then he met you and said that every sleep was the best.” Cas smiled softly at himself before a tidal wave of sadness came over any nostalgia and happiness and washed it deep away. His smile quickly turned to threatening tears.

  
“Yeah?” he asked again quietly and cracked.

  
“Yeah.” John whispered. It was silent as John looked at Cas and Cas looked at his fiddling fingers.

  
“Where’s Sam?” Cas asked, attempting to alleviate the suffering vibe of the room.

  
“Unpacking.”

  
Cas took a deep breath. He could not understand why it seemed so hard to talk to John; it never had been hard to do before. John was the only father figure Cas ever really had and he had confided in the older man many times before. But still, he didn't know what to say. Should he try and comfort John? Should he share one of his own memories? He wasn't sure. Thankfully John began speaking once more, almost like he could read Cas’ mind.

  
“Castiel… I'm not going to try and force you to talk about Dean. I just… want you to know that, when the time is right for you, you can talk to us,” He shook his head regretfully. “And I hope you know that you're not alone. Me and Sam, we lost blood. But you…,” he trailed off. _But you lost the most special person in your whole world. _

  
“But that doesn't make you alone in this. You understand?” He finished.

  
Not really.

  
“I understand.”

  
John left the room after a moment. Cas was still mesmerized by the threads of the blanket. Tears fell onto his hands and onto the fabric. It didn't matter what he did or who he spoke to, it felt like he could never stop the crying.

~

  
Cas awoke the next day and immediately felt tired. His face felt tight from the tear stains and his body felt sore from falling asleep in a strange position. Jupiter lied next to him, still out like a light. Cas pet the dogs head a few times before deciding that a shower was probably long overdue. So was a smoke.

  
He headed to the bathroom. His steps felt heavy and he realized he also probably really needed to eat something. His reflection greeted him as he entered the bathroom. If Cas didn't know himself, he'd think the man standing before him hadn't slept in an inhumane length of time. His usual tan complexion fell pale, his hair couldn't seem to decide on a style, and he had dark circles falling from his red eyes. He couldn't help but notice that he also looked sorta gaunt.

  
Now that he thinks of it, he supposes he looks like he just climbed out of his own damn grave.

  
He rubbed his face and let himself rest his head in his hands for a second before turning the faucet on. He brushed his teeth to the point of numbness while he let the shower heat up.

  
The steam already threatened the air around him, the fresh air disappearing in wake of the heat.

  
He stepped under the shower head. The water hit the tile and _Am I going crazy or do I hear Deans voice?_ His voice felt like it was right behind him. Soothing and deep and comforting and _right there_. He spun around.

  
Nothing.

  
He wasn't there.

  
He was startled- he had sworn he was right there, right behind him. He started to cry.

~

  
“How do you feel about…,”John looked through the fridge. “Lasagna for dinner. Microwaved.”

  
Sam shrugged and Cas nodded his head.

  
John took care of all of the prerequisites for the meal and popped it in the microwave. He joined them on the couch when he was done. The sound of the whirring microwave was the only noise to be heard in the whole house. Usually Dean was here to make up for it.

  
Cas leaned his head on his hands.

  
The seemingly non-penetrable silence was cut wide open when Johns phone began to ring.

  
He got up and took the phone call out to the kitchen where he momentarily checked on the lasagna before leaning on the counter.

  
“Bobby? Wasn't expecting to hear from you tonight,” John answered.

  
Cas turned away from the scene and fiddled with his hands.

  
“Well is there a reason you're calling…?”John said after a moment. Cas couldn't hear what Bobby was saying.

  
“Why? What's the matter?”

  
Both Cas and Sam turned to face John then, both wearing matching looks of concern. Johns face went from concerned to a sober look of determination. “I'll be there as soon as I can.”

  
“Dad, what-,”

  
“Cas, Sam, pack a bag and hurry. Meet me back here in ten. We're headed to Bobbys.”

  
“Why, is something wrong? Is Bobby okay?” Sam asked. Johns fierce look faltered for a second with what looked like relief.

  
“Turns out Deans shown up on his door step.”

  
~

  
Cas had never packed a bag so insufficiently and quickly. They were out and on the road after seven minutes.

  
Cas sat in the back seat, only accompanied by his dog. He silently had a mental breakdown into his hands. Sam was asking a million questions to his father, who didn't seem to have any answers. From what he could tell, Dean passed all the holy water, and silver, and iron, and virtually any other monster repelling device you could think of.

  
From what he could tell, this was really Dean.

  
Cas tried to settle himself down because he was the first to know, that hope was the most disappointing game in town. But he couldn't ignore the fireworks of it that exploded in his chest. He couldn't ignore the smile that kept threatening to appear on his face. He couldn't ignore the excitement and love that bloomed in his heart. He couldn't ignore that Dean could be waiting for them on the other side of the border.

  
He didn't sleep a wink of the drive to Bobbys. Even though it was well into the night. Whatever.

  
~

  
6 hours later of nonstop driving led them down the driveway of Singers Salvage.

Cas was nervous. Nervous as hell. His leg couldn't stop boucning, his hands felt sweaty. This was either going to be the happiest moment of his life, or the biggest let down.

  
Cas got out of the car slowly. Sam was already racing up to the door. John was trailing back behind him.

  
It was partly sunny today. He guessed that could mean anything.

  
Cas could hear Sam. He was loud. He sounded happy. He heard Deans voice as he got closer to the house.

  
_Dean_.

  
He sounded beautiful as ever. He sounded _alive_.

  
Cas walked through the door. John and Bobby were standing by the desk. Sam was talking at Dean. Cas couldn't believe it. He was standing right in front of him. Close enough to touch.

  
After only a second, Dean found Cas’ eyes. Cas was crying, and he could feel his face starting to crumple as Dean walked over to him.

  
Dean wasted no time. He met Castiel in the middle with a fierce embrace.

_Sunshine, Happiness, Home._

  
“Hi, baby,” he heard Dean whisper into his hair. Cas hugged him even tighter.

  
The light of his life, his partner, his lover, the only thing that mattered to him, was here. He was here and he was holding Cas like he knew he was gonna break any second. He held him like he _understood_.

Cas saw the room clear out. 

  
Cas shed silent tears into Deans shoulders while Dean carded his hands through his hair. Cas pulled back enough to rest his forehead against Deans. He smiled a teary smiled and moved some hair off of Deans forehead.

  
“You scared the shit out of me,” Cas said.

  
Dean kissed Cas. “I’m sorry. Cas, I am _so_ sorry.” He kissed Cas again.

  
Cas closed his eyes and leaned his head against Deans once more. “I can't believe you're back,” Cas whispered, shaking his head in disbelief.

  
“Hey. I’m back. For good. I'm not going anywhere- I promise.”

  
Cas couldn't keep his eyes off of Dean. He looked healthy. Not like he was brutally killed by a demon.

  
“You look beautiful.” Dean blushed.

  
“So do you, angel. You look downright kissable.”

  
Cas laughed. God, he missed this so much. He missed everything about Dean.

"I missed you so much, baby. More than you'll ever know." Dean looked like he was saddened by that. 

"Like I said, Cas... I'm sorry. I keep thinking about what you must have been going through. I don't even want to imagine it. I just wish I had been there to help you."

"I wish you had been there too, but... it doesn't matter now. You're here. I'm looking right at you. That's more than I could have ever asked for," Cas said. 

Dean kissed Cas in response. Slower this time, like he was communicating his emotions without saying a word. 

Dean cradled Cas' cheek strongly but gently. Cas felt like he was melting into Dean, like their souls were further intertwining at this very moment. 

Kissing Dean felt like heaven.

Cas pulled back slowly, still dazed. "Hey, don't tempt me or I might end up kissing you all day," Cas joked. Well, half joked.

"Hm... that doesn't really strike me as a bad thing..." Dean pretended to think. 

A thought suddenly struck Cas.

“What the hell even brought you back, anyway?” Cas pondered after a second.

  
“Cas, I really don't know. And at this point, I'm not sure I care. I'm just happy I’m home. And I’m happy that you're happy.”

  
“I’m always happy when I’m with you.”

Dean smiled at him and leaned in for a kiss. Cas felt something brush against his leg.

  
“Oh- I think there’s someone else who wants to see you,” Cas informed, looking down.

  
“Jupiter!” Dean exclaimed as he knelt down to pet the dog. “Oh, I missed you! Yes I did!”

  
Jupiter licked all over his face, Dean laughing and smiling the whole time. Cas felt himself light up at the image. He felt pride and love and relief pump through his heart and course through his veins. The man he loved, the man he had adored for quite a while, was safe. He was breathing and stable and he was moving and talking.

  
And tomorrow when Cas woke up, Dean would be right there with him, like he always was. He would be with Cas through it all. They conquered death- there is nothing else they can't overcome.

  
“Whatd’ya say we go catch ourself a demon?” Dean said. Cas rolled his eyes. But his heart was ready to go anywhere with Dean.


End file.
